Happy F'in' New Year

I'm considering moving into a bubble.

For my own safety, you know.

So, last week I fell off of a curb and lost an unattractive amount of skin. I also tripped over something and cracked one toenail, from about the top middle of the nail, slantwise to the middle of the side of the nail. I tripped elsewhere, caught myself, but bent one fingernail so far that it ripped off of the quick and left this lovely bruise--under the fingernail. I've run into things, stepped on things, tripped over things, and been hit by things. But last night had the highest potential for disaster.

I went out to Lake Thunderbird, to have a nice fire and welcome in the new year. Two friends came along--one who had confirmed was unable to make it because her grandmother had had a stroke the day before. Her husband dropped by on Thursday to explain and apologize, and I told him that she'd better not come--she belonged with her family.

We brought a lot of food--super simple recipes forthcoming--and got a lovely little fire built up relatively quickly. It was almost too warm for a fire--the temperature barely got down to sixty degrees, with a light breeze with the occasional gust (Oklahoma style, so I guess most other places it would be considered pretty windy. When the song says "where the wind comes sweeping down the plain," they weren't bloody kidding).

We had water, white grape and peach juice, and for midnight, sparkling apple and cranberry cider (no alcohol allowed in the state park, and everytime I've been out there, the rangers have checked up on us, around midnight, so...no risking it). There was also hot chocolate mix and a pot, so we had the water set out to heat.

After it had begun boiling, I picked up the pot and was looking for somewhere to set it while the fire got re-arranged. I was holding it up, and my wrist suddenly gave out, and I poured the entire thing into my lap.

I let out a scream, S and A both stared at me in shock, and I grabbed my skirt, pulling the steaming, wet cloth away from my skin before it could continue burning.

The damage wasn't too bad--second and first degree scalds, all down the same leg I had skinned a week before. Of course, on the opposite side from the scrapes. I poured cold water onto the burns, and we stayed out for a little longer.

Shortly after that, a ranger made his appearance. The area we were in has no curfew, and as long as you aren't breaking any of the rules and aren't disturbing the peace, you're allowed to be there at any time. Of course, the rangers don't like that, and will throw anyone out who isn't camping or fishing. Most of the time, if you have a fire, they'll leave you alone. I guess there's an assumption that if you can tend a fire, at least someone is fairly sober.

This guy was on a real power trip. Everyone's run into someone like that, be it a police officer, a patrolman, a security guard, or a park ranger. He stood there, deliberately shining his flashlight directly into our eyes, kept his chest thrust out, and talked in a deep voice to impress upon us how important he was. He told us that the area was closed after eleven, and we had to clear out. S asked if we could please stay just until midnight, since it was only about five minutes away, and he gave this nasty grin, like he was getting a sexual thrill out of kicking us out.

"Oh, by the time you get your little party all broken up and out of here, it'll be after midnight. Now hurry up."

Dick.

I've met a lot of the rangers in that park, and only three of them have ever asked us to leave. Two of those had attitude problems, but everyone else was completely cool.

We broke everything up, paused to count down to midnight, and then traded kisses--S and A first, since they just got engaged. Then S gave me a kiss, and then commanded A to do the same, so no one would get left out. We packed everything up, and went to see K, and ask how her grandmother was going.

Since I poured the boiling water into my lap before midnight, I'm sort of hoping that was the grand finale in my self-injury streak, and I can say goodbye to all of that for 2005.

Other than that, I've chosen to make only three resolutions.

1. In the coming year, I will work towards loving myself. I used to be very happy in my own company. I want to be like that again--I want to really get to know myself again, and come to love that person again. I also want to learn how to look in a mirror and see the beauty along with the flaws, rather than only the flaws.

2. I will move out on my own, and be self-sufficient again. Roommates are nice, but if I don't get my own place soon, someone's going to die.

3. I will further my business, even if I can't get it all of the way open. It will see progress, rather than stagnation in 2005.