New Digs

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For reasons more fully explained over there, I'm shutting down 'Round the Fire. I'm not deleting it, but I am moving myself over to the new place. Iffn you're one of the say, two people out there with a link, you might want to consider updating.

It's official

I'm twenty-three, and I'm a failure.

I know I promised more posts soon, but...I don't really have it in me right now. I'm sorry. I'll get it together as soon as I can, but right now...I'm not really ok.

Real posts coming soon...

I promise.

Meanwhile, this was swiped from over at Pammy's place.

You Are Mint Green

Balanced and calm, you have mastered the philosophy of living well. Your friends seek you out for support, and you are able to bring stability to chaotic situations. You're very open and cheerful - and you feel like you have a lot of freedom in life. Your future may hold any number of exciting things, and you're ready for all of them!

What Color Green Are You?

So I got news about my little cousins.

Looks like there isn't much chance they'll be sent to live with us afterall.

I'm happy they aren't coming, but I sort of wanted that reason to be because someone or other decided it would be better if they were sent to some nice family in Oregon or something, far away from their blood family and any influence. I'd be perfectly happy with that. Instead, it's because their skank of a mother moved to a different state. Turns out her record doesn't really go with her, so this is starting out as a first offense (and explains why she stopped having to take the drug tests). Why a first offense of this magnitude isn't enough to start serious action is beyond me, but that's apparently the way it works.

So she discovered a loophole. Move to a new state before you run out of chances and start all over again. Destroying your children in the process.

Hmm...

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of woman. Hoping to gather you up, she flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing her love. Then you make her bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.


"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Dirty Little Secret

CONSIDER: The Sudden Departure.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

I'm feeling...scared. Anxious. And a lot selfish.

A few years ago, I found out a cousin of mine had a daughter. He'd knocked up a girlfriend, and they were both on the verge of going to prison on drug charges. If they did, their daughter needed somewhere to live, and my mother was the only safe option in the family. My cousin doesn't know her name, doesn't know she's still alive, and didn't even know what state she lives in. She said she'd do it, but only if she was allowed to adopt her, and only if parental rights were terminated.

They live in a different state, and their state hemmed and hawed, and decided the mother could stay out of prison and keep her daughter...provided she passed either monthly or bi-monthly drug tests.

Surprisingly enough, she cleaned up her act and stayed clean. The little girl is now three, I believe, and she just had another daughter.

Who was born with severe fetal alcohol syndrome, and addicted to who knows what. Turns out they decided when she got pregnant that she didn't need to keep taking the drug tests, and she took that as an open invitation to pick up right where she left off. Both of her children were immediately taken away, and it looks like her rights are going to be terminated. His already were, and he's not the father of the new baby anyway.

He's apparently making threats towards whoever takes his daughter (great time to start having any paternal urges), and that means the one option is...my mother again.

My mother is in her fifties, works full time, and does not make enough money, let alone have the energy, to deal with a three year old and an infant. Which means if the parental rights are terminated and she adopts...I get to live with her and be another mommy or auntie or whatever.

Every reason I don't want this to happen is purely selfish. I've only had a few precious years on my own. Not counting the dorms or the time with roommates, I've only had two years. I have plans for my life, things I want to do. I want to be on my own again. I want to go back to school...there are so many things I still intend to do.

Yeah, me, me, me, I, I, I.

Still, I have my life to live. I always meant to adopt, and I have considered taking in difficult cases. But I figured it would be on my time scale. When I decided I was ready. That, and I always meant to adopt from Romania (I've been talking about it since I was in fifth or sixth grade). I never expected it to come in the form of familial obligations.

I felt awful for being upset at all, but I decided I have some real grounds for it. I didn't do anything to get in a position of putting my life on hold. I didn't ask to help clean up the mess left behind from a selfish, thoughtless bitch.

Technically, I wouldn't have to do anything at all. I wouldn't be adopting, it wouldn't be a requirement that I put my life on hold to help out. I'm sure there are people who could just continue about their lives, but I don't think I'm among them.

Of course, if it comes down to it, I'll do it. I won't hold it against either of the children, who are innocent victims of this entire situation. I would be very sorry to see all the plans I've been working on put on hold for about twenty years, or possibly even put beyond my reach, but...that's life, I guess. Sometimes there are more important things than what you want.

That doesn't mean I can't be sad.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

This seems strangely appropriate right now.

I've been doing a whole lot of thinking, and right now, I'm not especially proud of myself. I've also decided that I need to get a better handle on when to follow and when to discard advice.

I mentioned here just after Halloween that I met a lady when I went to the retreat. We exchanged numbers, and she made a point of telling me she wasn't picking me up. Considering what happened afterwards, I don't think she should have bothered.

I wasn't really sure it was right after our first kiss. But I went with it, because I'd never really been in that position before. And after all the whining about no one ever wanting me, it would seem really hypocritical to avoid the first possible relationship I'd ever had.

...Except...well, sometimes things just aren't right.

I talked myself into the whole thing because I didn't want to back out and enforce the comittment issue theory. I also talked myself out of remembering you shouldn't commit, or start to commit, to someone you don't have any real feelings for.

There isn't anything at all wrong with her. She's sweet and we get along well. But you know how sometimes you know someone, and like or love them however much, you'd just never really get that spark? I hate those things, chemistry, "love, but not in love." Except I don't love her. It takes a lot longer to love someone than just seeing them once every week or so and usually watching movies.

Someone at work said he was on a disappointing date, and he went in for a kiss, because sometimes, "it's all in the kiss." I don't think I've ever kissed anyone and been really excited by it, and through her, I've mostly learned that I find necking awkward and boring.

I convinced myself that if it might be different if I waited. Saw where things went. Which I'm more than happy to admit was stupid of me. I don't think I've been leading her along. We've never spoken of the future, never shared any feelings or deep confessions of emotion. I told her specifically after she expressed interest in more than friends that I'm not in a place where I want or need a deep or serious relationship. I think I've done a lot more leading myself around. Doing things I didn't want to in the name of not repeating past mistakes.

Oh, no, I made whole new mistakes on the opposite end of the scale.

When she kissed me, I went along with it because in the past, I had closed up and run away, even though I had wanted to be kissed. I refused to consider that maybe, it just wasn't a match. When she asked if I wanted to date, I accepted because I had avoided such possibilities in the past. I overlooked the ways we didn't fit together because I didn't want to sabotoge something I never did make myself believe in. And so when we were on a date and she asked when our relationship would become more physical, I went along with it.

I've said before, I hadn't slept with someone because of any particular philosophical, religious, or moral reason. Things just hadn't been right. And I refused to listen to the part of myself that reminded me I knew this wasn't right, either.

Honestly, it was, rather like making out, boring and awkward. And a little painful.

Like I said, I'm not proud of myself.

Part of me keeps saying I'm just frigid. Can't let anyone close, can't enjoy myself, can't let go. Can't be excited, can't get caught up in the moment...

Except...wrong person, wrong place, wrong time...and all the wrong reasons. You shouldn't just go along with things because you should have in the past and chickened out, ruining something with real potential. You can't prop up something that doesn't have your heart in it in the name of proving something.

I don't honestly know what she wants from me, but I don't think I can provide most of it. Can't be a fuck buddy, don't want a serious relationship, don't want to waste time in a less serious relationship just in the name of not hurting feelings. I would like to stay friends, but no part of me could blame her if she wanted nothing to do with me after all this.

So I need to have a long conversation. Or maybe a short one. Face to face, and sometime after Wednesday. I refuse to just disappear--people have done it to me, and it's shitty and cowardly. I won't have such a conversation over the phone. That's only marginally better than doing it through email or IM. We don't have any plans for Valentine's, but making a call to arrange such a meeting on that day also seems viscious. I don't know how well versed she is in Roman holidays, but doing so on Lupercalia, on Wednesday, is no better.

I hate being that girl. The one who has to sit down and say it isn't working. But I'd rather be her than the one who just disappears. Or who just keeps playing along to keep from hurting any feelings.

I don't need to figure out what to say. Just how to say it.